Fiona Midori King

Fiona Midori King

Hope 4 Fiona

Tears - Sunday March 11, 2012

 

 

I don’t know how to control these emotions. Just when I think it’s getting better, something triggers these unmanageable emotions within me.  All it takes is the simple acts of watching Fiona sleep peacefully, seeing her chest slowly rise and lower, feeling her grip onto my finger while she sleeps, kissing her precious little head, listening to her make her wonderful little noises, or feeling her breath while she sleeps on my chest.  
 
It’s often the little things that I enjoy about watching Fiona grow that strike such substantial and overwhelming emotions. It’s at those moments that I experience overpowering feelings of being hurt, sad, mad and frustrated which always ends in unstoppable tears as well. I am constantly asking myself such questions: How long is this going to last? How long before I no longer cry over my daughter’s suffering? How long before my heart doesn’t literally feel like it's tearing into broken pieces that I can’t imagine will ever be whole again?
 
Caring for an ill child can be both physically and emotionally draining. When you are in the middle of it, it feels like’s never going to end! I can’t sleep, and at times I'm completely drained of energy and my own health feels depleted at times. Fiona consumes all my thoughts all the time.
 
I learned as a new parent that when your child is sick, nothing else matters but your child's health, wellbeing, and safety. The most important responsibility I have towards Fiona is to offer all my unconditional love to her and to wholeheartedly help her in her fight for life.  After all, when it's all said and done, whether life is short-lived or long-lived all that really matters is experiencing how to truly love and be loved by someone.  Fiona is surely loved by many, and she knows that.
 
Loving and mothering Fiona has left me forever changed and has taught me that every aspect of life, every thought, every feeling, every moment is an experience and a gift, be it tears or laughter, sadness or happiness. It all counts. It all matters. I feel even more blessed to have the reminder that I must cherish Fiona, enjoy the moment, and invest relentlessly in the most precious relationship of my life.

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